Showing up and Being Seen
Reflections on vulnerability and what it means for how we live our lives
Over the last few weeks of 2024, I set aside the time to plan and set goals for my writing and online presence in 2025. There are a lot of things that I wish to write about and share, but so often all those stay as scribbles in my notebook and ideas in my head. I can find many excuses as to why this might be happening, why I might be running out of time to write or not sharing what I have written; but in the end it isn't about all these excuses it is about my fear of being seen.
Every time a creator shares something they have made, they share a little part of who they are. I have been sharing different parts of my artwork for the last 10 years or so, yet each time I press the share button, I find my finger hovering as I take a deep breath before sending it out into the world. So very often, I will then put my phone or computer away and go do something completely different so that I do not have to think about how different people might be interacting with that little part of me that I have shared.
The question what do people think of what I made? so quickly becomes the question: what do they think of me?
In my planning for 2025, I found myself reflecting on this further. How much do I really worry about what people think of me? What am I afraid of? Previously I have had success in sticking to a regular sharing schedule with posts and articles but I realised that the difference then was that wasn't for myself, instead it was for the organisation that I was working for at the time. There the question never turned into What do they think of me? because all of that work was about the organisation, not me. As I continued to reflect, I started to recognise that I sabotage myself when it comes to sharing more of my writing and other works because I do not want people to see me. I am afraid of what they might think of the things that I share, and underneath that there is this sense of wanting to hide; a fear of being seen and creating connection.
Each time I present a small part of myself to the world in my art and writing, I find myself feeling raw and exposed. There is a shaky and somewhat disorienting feeling that comes after I press the share button, an uncertainty and vulernability, a feeling of being exposed and anxiety aboiut what others will do with what they find. The vulnerability that comes with putting a part of myself out there takes a strange courage that I don't always have, so often I want to hide, to stay in the shadows where people can't see who I am and where they are not aware of what is going on in my heart. I am afraid of what they might think about me and how they might respond.
The feeling of vulnerably sharing something, whether it be online or in person with a trusted friend can be confronting. The same shaky uncertainty is found in our conversations, as we sit there unsure of how we might be recieved. At the same time, vulnerability is a beautiful gift that brings us closer together. When I think of the times that I have shared different emotionally exquisite parts of myself with trusted friends, our relationships have always shifted into something deeper and more beautiful and the same has been when they have shared with me.
We have been created for deep connection and relationship with God and with those around us. That connection and belonging is something that can only be found when we are seen and known by those we are in relationship with. We are fully known and seen by God and by his grace and the restoration that comes through the work of Jesus Christ, we can enter into a deep relationship with Him. However, when it comes to the people around us, they are not omniscient as God is, they do not see and know everything about us so building those relationships requires us to share and allow ourselves to be seen.
Intimacy looks like much more than the closeness we find in the relationships we have with our romantic partners. It seems that with the dynamics of the western cultural context that many of us are in do not allow for intimacy to be found in our friendships and community. We have become hyper-individualistic, never showing up in our relationships and afraid of being seen. We are not created to live parallel lives that meet for the short period of time we are together at the same place (work, church, shopping or when we meet for coffee). Intimacy is intentionally living our lives alongside others, it is sharing parts of ourselves with beloved friends and inviting them to be a part of the things that are happening for us. Intimacy is an intentional presence that extends beyond the interests, jobs or hobbies we have in common and into the emotionally exquisite parts of our lives.
We have been created to live our lives together. Our God has made us to be a part of community and to have fellowship with those around us. A part of life in the body of Christ is to be vulnerable; as we live side by side, we share the highs and the lows of our lives and are drawn in to the messy and unfiltered moments in the lives of our brothers and sisters. Together, we help eachother to see where God is and what he is doing in our lives and how his love and care for us connects to those messy, broken and emotionally exquisite parts of who we are.
As I continued to muse on vulnerability I have learnt that it is important. It matters if I am vulnerable with the people around me, it matters that I share deeply personal things, that I share the joys and the pain that I am facing. It matters that I ask for prayer and that I pray with and for those I love. It matters that my relationships move beyond the superficial so that together we can start to grow and flourish in the deep waters that God has prepared for us.
When I am vulnerable with the people in my life who matter, I can then wisely show up and be seen on the internet without fear of judgment, thinking and praying about the way that the words and art that I share here also draws people together in a very different way.
What about you and your relationships? What do they look like and how can they grow as you show up and allow yourself to be seen? What does it mean to be more vulnerable with the people that you love? What does it look like for you to pray for and with those around you?