Untangling the Truth from the Lies (Part 1)

Finding healing following religious trauma and spiritual abuse.

When it comes to some of the hardship, pain and trauma that we face, our understanding of who God is can become twisted. We start to question God, his presence in our lives, the nature of who he says he is and his love for us. Where was God when the horrible thing(s) happened? What kind of God would let these painful things happen? Does God really love me if I have been hurt so badly?

If we are confessionally and traditionally reformed, we have been exposed to strong teachings about the providence of God, it has been ingrained deep in our DNA that he is in control of everything. Within such traditions, it seems that there is also a limited opportunity to sit and wrestle with the experiences we face, so very quickly our questioning moves to a resignation that there is something very wrong with us and we somehow deserve the painful, heartbreaking experiences that are a part of our story.

We match together the understandings and teachings regarding the providence of God, with the total depravity of our human nature, completely overlooking the rich hope, promises and comfort of the gospel. This is further compounded when our trauma, betrayal and abuse happens at the hands of those who profess to be christian, especially when they are in positions that call them to represent God to us, such as parents, church leadership and spouses. Important, foundational truths can be twisted in their hands, leaving us deeply wounded.

Parents have a God-given responsibility to shepherd their children and show them who God is. This beings in their actions - as they show love and grace to those who are too young to understand the concept of faith, and continues as they teach and guide with their words.

It breaks my heart to witness parents misusing this responsibility as they use their position to manipulate, control and abuse their children in different ways. Together with such abusive behaviours, scripture and faith are often weaponised - parts of God’s word are used to justify the abuse and further influence and control their children. This is particularly poignant when it comes to the way that they use the command "honour and obey your parents" to silence and control the children who try to speak up against such abusive behaviour.

In a similar way husbands, those who are called to be like Christ in their marriages, may demand the unconditional submission of their wives, becoming even more abusive and demanding when they feel that their wives are not fitting into the shifting rules of their little kingdoms. Elders, deacons and pastors all have a significant calling to shepherd and nurture their flock and there are those who in those positions of power and leadership use that position to control and manipulate those of their flock, often taking different bible verses out of context to further defend their position and silence those who may speak out or question things.

In the face of such experiences we find ourselves teetering on the expanding gap of between what we know about God and what we are experiencing. As we do so, we come face to face with the question: Is God really good? Is He safe?

This dissonance needs to be voiced. We need to give shape and form to the seeming contrast between who God says he is and the experiences that we have faced. As we do so, we allow opportunity to notice the ways that God has been grossly misrepresented, to identify the way that the shepherds are eating the sheep instead of caring for them (Ezekiel 34) and start to gain a framework for untangling the truth from the lies.

The question: "Is God really who he says he is" brings us back to Genesis 3, in the garden of Eden where Satan asks Eve: "Did God really say...?" Sowing doubt, creating confusion, and the accompanying character assassination are key tactics that Satan uses to spread lies about who God is, turning his people away. If God can be represented in a way that he is against people, then Satan doesn't have to tempt them away from God, people will not want anything to do with him. When the actions and behaviours of those who call themselves Christian present an image of God so contrary to who God really is, Satan's work becomes easy.

Holding tightly to the recognition that Satan is trying to assassinate the character of God offers the opportunity to voice the dissonance we face. As we see the lies more clearly, we see how God has been misrepresented and the blasphemy of his name through the abusive actions of others towards us. We can then carefully reframe those messy and painful experiences, holding them to the light of scripture and grounding them in the truth of who God is.

In that reframing, there is the opportunity to see the ways that the abusive behaviours have eroded our sense of self; leaving behind a mere shell of the person God created us to be. We see how different parts of who we are were cut off or starved because they didn't fit; the restrictions that were placed on us and the lack of freedom or power we had over our own life and decisions; we see the coercion and control for what it is, noticing the ways that we didn't have the opportunity to question, grapple with or even think about the way that things were happening. As we retell our story in this framework, we have the opportunity to find our voice and use it to regain agency and control over our own lives.

This is a long journey, filled with grief and anger for the wrongs of what we have experienced. There are days that the pain may threaten to overtake us or when we default back to the conditioning we experienced in such high control environments, and other days when the anger consumes us to the point that we feel as if we are about to burst.

In each of these moments we can confidently remember that our God is right by our side. He is a safe, secure refuge for us; a place that we can continually run to when we feel vulnerable and afraid, a source of comfort in our grief and a place to turn when we feel that the anger is about to consume is. He is angry over the wrongs and sins that have been done against us and cares deeply about the hurts we have experienced. We can run to our God, giving our anger and grief to him, pouring out our hearts to him because he is a God who loves and cares for us.

Healing is not about discarding or deconstructing our faith but about reclaiming the truth of who God is. It is reconstructing our faith, learning the truth of who God is and what it means to be his child. As we untangle the lies we find hope and love, confidently stepping into the fullness of who our God has created us to be.